


PS. I Love You - Avenged Sevenfold

by xSandra



Category: Avenged Sevenfold
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-01
Updated: 2013-10-01
Packaged: 2017-12-28 03:22:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/987066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xSandra/pseuds/xSandra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zachary is a young man, who lives with the man he loves, Brian. But when Brian suddenly dies, he is broken. Zachary notices that Brian left notes and letters of things Zachary should do without him, because Brian wants him to move on and forget him. But will Zachary be able to love someone else again?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I’ve been struggling with this problem for a while now. Having cancer was one of the most horrible things that happened in my life. Some people think you are weird, others think you are sad and not happy. But I am happy, I’m happy to leave this life like this. I’ve done what I wanted to do in my life, I’ve loved the one who was true to me. The one who really loved me, and now I was about to leave him alone in this world. Leaving him alone, will be the most horrible thing to do. But I can’t live like this for any longer. My time has come and I want to guide him to the right place, being sure he’ll live like he is supposed to do. Not thinking too much about me.

“He was the most beautiful man ever lived in this world.” His voice echoed in the hollow building. Many people were crying, some classical music played. The man talked again. “He was worth living on this planet and I hope he’ll find his way in the afterlife.” One woman starting crying again. “Forever young and free.” The man sauntered back to his place and his eyes starting watering. He looked around and found peace with his friends. They kept him alive. Another song started playing. One of my favorite songs ever, he knew. He had arranged this funeral for me. He had arranged all the music and invited all the people. I was sure he loved me. More people said something about me, about how much they loved me. How much they respected me. Then it was his time again, the man stood up and walked to the little stage in the church. His guitar and my guitar were located next to each other. He smiled and he took his guitar and he wrapped the line around his body. After that he took my guitar and he slowly lay it down on my body in the chest. “May your guitar rest with you.” He smiled at my empty limp body and he walked away and took a guitar pick. He always brought one with, on the weirdest moments on the weirdest places he had a guitar pick with him. He plugged the guitar in and started playing a song. The music slowed, transforming into something softer. To my surprise I recognized the notes of his lullaby waving through the profusion of the notes. He wrote me a lullaby, once I was still alive. He wanted to show me how much he loved me. He played the guitar and got it recorded and gave it to me. I could listen to it all day long. The music became sweeter. I couldn’t think nor speak. His eyes were red, full of pain and horror. He knew my end would come someday, but still it came to a surprise to him. I hoped I didn’t cause him too much pain…

I had planned it all perfectly. He would receive the first letter just the day after my funeral. It was my plan to get letters from me. Some with exercises, things he had to do. Things he had to say. Most of the letters contained were related to finding love again. I knew he wasn’t going to start dating all by himself, so I had to help him a little.

The way I felt about leaving him was unbearably difficult for me. It would be easier if I could just tell him when I’d be gone. But I didn’t know, I could guess when my time had come and I was close. Fortunately, my letters were done before the light struck my path. It was perhaps one of the most horrible things I could do to the man I truly loved.

I couldn’t remember my death. My mind was quite certain about that. It was empty about that moment in my life. The only thing I could remember, was that everything went black and I couldn’t feel anything. On the other hand, I was happy it was over, gone, no more pain and disaster. Finally over.

The music still echoed the church. The black haired the man was still playing his heart out. Like he wanted to tell everyone something. Tears started burning in his eyes, and before he knew it, tears crashed around him. If I still had feeling, I would take care of him, comforting him and give him the love he deserved. But since my heart was ripped out and I had no feelings anymore and he couldn’t see me, there was nothing I could do…

When my lullaby stopped, an older man walked up. I knew him, I’d seen him several times before. Not that I was quite interested in the church, but the way he talked about God and about the bible was interesting. He made it look real. “Tonight, we say goodbye to our beloved Brian Elwin Haner Jr.” He spoke. “He was a wonderful guitar player, the perfect son and a gorgeous husband.” The man stopped for a moment and looked around. “He’ll be truly missed.” The first row stood up and walked towards the chest. They made a religious movement and cried. Others just told me how much they loved me. Now it was time for my band to walk to my body. They were leaning on to each other, keeping in touch with their wives. Accept for the rhythm guitarist. He was lonely. He had felt enough pain and misery. He mumbled something to my body, but he knew there was no soul in the body. I had left him, how could I?

When the sun stood high in the sky, I saw Zacky waking up. He was so cute when he was asleep, I had been looking at him for a while. He was alone in our house. The master bedroom was so empty without me. He was there, and I wasn’t. Zacky cried in his sleep, he had to deal with a hard time. But he would survive, I was certain about that. He moved his hands towards his pillow and pulled it over his eyes. He didn’t want to wake up. He wanted to stay in bed for the rest of his life. The only thing I wanted to do now, was to caress his face, and make him feel love again.

The last few days before my death were horrifying. I couldn’t speak, I felt paralyzed, the only thing that kept my heart beating was Zacky who visited me every day. He held my hand, until his eyes closed and he went sleeping. I spent my last few days with Zacky. And I didn’t want to do it again.

The clock alarmed that it was almost 10am. Zacky looked at his alarm and he sighed. He moved his body to get out of bed. When he finally stood up, he searched for his clothing. He didn’t care about what he would wear. The only thing he wanted was that I would return to him. He knew that it wasn’t going to happen. Zacky looked sloppy today, he walked downstairs and saw himself in the mirror. His eyes were still red and watery and he felt disgusting. He sauntered outside to the mailbox. It was his daily routine. And there he saw it. My letter. He recognized my handwriting and his jaw dropped in amazement. He felt the tears burning in his eyes once again. He walked inside, while opening the letter. He unfolded the letter and started reading.

_Dear Zachary,_

_If you read this, I’ll be gone. I hope you realize I won’t come back, but I’ll always be with you. Just move your hand to your chest. Do you feel you feel that beating? That’s me. I’ll always be there. Keeping your heart beating. There will always be a piece of me with you. And you know that._

_I’m sorry, but I had to let go, I couldn’t go for any longer. There was no way of keeping me for any longer on this earth. You know what it’s like to wake up, knowing that you aren’t going to be there the next day? That I had to leave you alone, was one of the most horrible things I had to do in my entire life. But I’ll survive. I’ll just wait for you to come here too. I can take 50 years, it can take 60 years, but I’ll always wait. You’ll see, when you’re ready…_

_I wrote this letter for you, to guide you to get back to the right path. There are many roads we travel down in life. Some of these paths lead to freedom, while others lead to heartbreak. Some of them lead to a lifetime of happiness, but others to an eternity of loneliness. But sometimes all it takes is to follow one of these roads to show who you are in this world. You have to follow that last path. I know you can do it._

_You’ll receive a few letters, every day there is another exercise on there. Things you have to do. Don’t think about me. I’ll love you no matter what you do. You know that. Don’t be scared, my love._

_The first thing you have to do, is to plan a concert here in Huntington Beach for every fan on this world. And there you’re going to sing your song. I never heard it, it was a big secret and you told me you were going to sing on the funeral, but I’m sure every fan wants to hear about it. Please, will you do that for me?_

_Love,_

_Brian_

PS. I love you


	2. Chapter 2

Tears fell on the paper, he looked around and put the letter on the kitchen table. Maybe he was a little released when he read the letter. Maybe he thought about what it would be like to live like this for the next few years. Living without me. Knowing that I wouldn´t return, would probably be on the of the most horrible things to do. I could know, when I heard my mom wasn’t going to get back, I was devastated. Horrified of the idea of death. Knowing that I would once die and I was going to leave my beloved ones alone wasn’t the death of what I was thinking about. Then I heard I had cancer. I had to tell Zacky. He wasn’t going to accept it I was going to die, I knew that. I knew him longer than today. He told me there would be cure and that everything would be ok. But the doctors told me I was going to see the light that year. I didn’t want to tell him, I didn’t want to keep him miserable. He loved me, he had never loved anyone like me before. He gave me his virginity. I was happy I could share that moment together with him.

Zacky looked through his tears. His eyes, still red, his black shiny hair was a mess. He stroke his hand though this hair once again. It didn’t look good, he knew that. But what did it matter. He looked at the letter once more and he walked to the kitchen. He searched for something light to eat. He wasn’t hungry, but since he was taught to eat properly not matter how he felt. He looked for some biscuits. His eyes noticed the chocolate biscuits and he started eating them. I was surprised. He wasn’t feeling good, and so he ate some chocolate biscuits? It was just Zacky. He didn’t things like that. He was the person who would add salt to his chocolate milk and drink it. It tasted good though. 

Zacky sat down on a chair and tapped with his fingers on the table, the result was a rather annoying sound. He ate his cookie and was silent. The only thing he died was tapping his finger on the table. His nails were too long, I spotted. He should definitely cut them once again. My attention was again with Zacky. It was a weird idea, someone was gazing at him. Observing every single movement he made. He couldn’t see me, nobody could actually see me. I was just a lost soul who left his body.

The man stood up and moaned, he walked towards the fridge to get him some milk. He found a cup in the cupboard and he poured some milk in the cup. He sighed and sipped his drink. He didn’t like milk, I knew that. I was the only one to drink milk. Maybe he wanted to get memories back…

All of the sudden he remembered something when he saw the letter. He didn’t want to read it once again, but he sighed and took the letter. He fished his phone out of his pocket and dialed Matt’s number. He sighed and hoped he would pick up the phone. And he did. “Matt.” Zacky sighed once again. “Hey Matt, Zacky here. Can you come over? I have to show you something.” Zacky said without breathing. “Eh, sure. I’ll be right there.” Matt answered.

Matt lived close, it was only a matter of time before he would show up. Zacky was peering through the window to check out if Matt’s car was here already, but he didn’t see a car yet. He looked away and he drank some more milk. It was unusual for him to drink milk, but what was usual, was that he would call Matt when he didn’t know what to do. He looked out of the window once again and he saw a black car parking in front of his house. He walked towards the door and he opened it. Matt walked inside and he showed a quick smile. There was no reason for him to smile, Zacky thought and he closed the door when they were both settled inside. Matt looked good today. It looked like he had had a lot of sleep and wasn’t sad at all. Zacky didn’t pay too much attention, but he noticed the horrible clothes he was wearing. Broken pants and an old sweaty band shirt he had worn a few days in a row. Zacky walked towards the kitchen table and took my letter. He handed it over to Matt and sighed. “This is Brian’s handwriting.” He said, his green eyes looked up at him. Matt looked at Zacky and then slid his eyes over the letter. He read it, carefully, without missing a single word. He looked up at Zacky once again. “This is really Brian.” He sighed and looked at Zacky. The black haired man nodded and he took the paper. He was really careful with it. He wanted it to stay like it was and no one could ever touch it.

“Maybe we should respect his last wish.” Matt suddenly said. “But what song?” Zacky looked at him and then looked at his feet.

“I wrote a song for Brian. I wanted to sing it to him before he passed away, but he never got to hear it. Then I promised I would sing it on the funeral, but I was scared. I didn’t want anyone to hear it, it was a song for me and Brian.” Zacky grieved and he inhaled heavily. “Then I got this letter…” Matt looked at him, he couldn’t comfort him, it was one of the things he just couldn’t do. But he understood what Zacky was going through. Losing your husband was one of the most horrible things that could happen to you. And Zacky was still young, there would be a lot of other temptations facing his path. Another love maybe…

“We have to do this.” Jimmy said. Matt and Zacky had invited the rest of the band after Matt had read the letter. Matt thought it would be good to get some brained people to help them. “For Brian.” Johnny nodded. He agreed with Jimmy. “Zacky, can we see the song?” He asked. Zacky hesitated but he looked for the song anyways. He walked towards the little studio we had in the house and he saw his guitar next to an empty spot. My guitar was gone, but my other guitars were still there. He didn’t pay attention to them and quickly walked back towards the guys. He tightly held the paper. It was a hand written song on the guitar and the words were scribbled on the paper. Zacky’s handwriting was sometimes quite difficult to read, but the words were readable. He gave the paper to Jimmy and the guys gathered around Jimmy to read with him. Jimmy hummed the song and sang the words. Maybe they weren’t the right tone, but Zacky didn’t react on it. He didn’t show this song to anyone yet, so this was the first time someone would see it. And I was sure he wanted some feedback and help.

“Plans of what our futures hold.” Jimmy sang. “Foolish lies of growing old.” He shook his head. He looked up at Zacky who was just staring at them. “This goes deep, really, you put all your feelings in here, didn’t you?” Johnny asked. Zacky nodded, he couldn’t help not to look away.

“We are going to do this, for Brian.” Matt said, he went to stand normal and he walked towards Zacky. “Come on, dude, let’s practice this.” Zacky tried to smile, but it didn’t work. His eyes were tired and all he wanted was to sleep. He walked after Matt towards his studio and the others followed him. When they were all in that little room the men found their instruments. Jimmy went to sit behind the drum set and Zacky looked for his guitar. He missed me playing with them, I could see his face looking horrified at the empty spot. Zacky took his acoustic guitar, on purpose, he wrote the song on that one.

His hands started picking on the snares. A beautiful and soft noise sounded in the room. Jimmy played the bass drum and Johnny tried to get the bass to fit the guitar part. Zacky winked when Matt could start singing. He didn’t know how they had to sing it, so he tried to listen to the guitar, so he knew how to sing it. Otherwise he just improvised. The paper in his hand cracked a little, but that didn’t matter. Matt’s voice echoed in the room. It sounded good. It was better than I’d expected. I knew Zacky was a skilled writer, but I never knew he was this good. When he wrote a song, he didn’t show it to anyone and when he thought he had failed he threw the song away, so no one could ever see it. But this one was just perfect.


	3. Chapter 3

There were no words to describe the feeling in the song. There were really no words for it. It was something so fragile, they were fragile. They had gone through the most horrifying thing they could ever wish. They didn’t lose a member of their band. They lost a brother. Nobody got that. 

They played it over and over again, until they had ever information they needed to play a show. They called their manager to get a place somewhere in Huntington Beach to play a concert that night. They did everything to tie it all together and make it a beautiful evening. They posted announcements on Facebook, on their site, on twitter, everywhere, so everyone was able to come and everyone knew there was going to be a concert that night.

The tickets were sold out already, after a few hours. The price was very cheap and they didn’t care about the money they would raise, they would do it just to show the people they were still alive. The guys had been practicing all day and Zacky would do everything to get all the solos right. He was especially practicing on the difficult ones. He was having a hard time, since everything remembered him of me. He couldn’t help it. Just the music, everything was quite emotional for him.

Time passed fast and before the guys knew it, they were on stage in front of a few thousand fans. They never expected so many fans to appear, but they were all sad, they were all wanting to say goodbye. Most of them wore T-shirts with my name on there. Some of them were crying, because it had only been a week since I left this world.

They had played a lot of songs already, the hardest were done, and I was proud of Zacky. He played all the solos like I would do. I knew he could do it. I know he can make it on his own. Now it was time for the song he wrote me. Zacky wasn’t going to sing it, he couldn’t and I understood. Matt was going to sing it, but that didn’t matter, because Zacky would be playing the guitar on there, which was the most beautiful thing ever.

Zacky took his acoustic guitar. He started finger picking. Matt walked to the front of the stage.

“This song is a dedication to Synyster Gates.” Matt yelled. People started screaming and Zacky played on. Johnny slapped the bass and Jimmy carefully played the bass drum. Matt Shadows started singing the first lines of the song, what created a beautiful sound.

Zacky’s face stood emotionless, not trying to show any emotion, he couldn’t play if he thought about something and that was what he was trying to do. Keeping his face straight. He just played, but I was sure that was thinking about something different.

As Matt starting to sing the second chorus the crowd hummed along. They couldn’t realized it was over for me.

The song was probably one of the most powerful songs ever written. The drama, the pain, the anger you could all detect in the song. That song was written for me. That song was written by Zacky. That song was written by the man I loved. And I still love him.

Days flew away, Zacky was in his bed. He was tired, still reminding the picture of the concert they had played. Zacky thought he did terrible and he couldn’t get the song out of his head. He thought about me all the time. And I wondered what he would do if he got the next letter today. Zacky sobbed and was angry with himself. He thought he should’ve never fallen in love with me…

Zacky sobbed and cried, he screamed my name. He prayed to God to give me back. If there was a God, he wasn’t going to give me back. He took me away. Zacky think, is he ever going to give me back? Was there ever a person who rose from the death?

“Hey, Zacky.” A man yelled downstairs. His voice was difficult to recognize like this. When Zacky didn’t reply, he yelled another time and walked upstairs. Fearing the worst. His footsteps sounded in the hallway, when he opened the door. Zacky had buried his head in his pillow and screamed and cried. He didn’t shower in 3 days, he didn’t change his clothes in 3 days. The man walked over towards Zacky and sat down next to him on the bed. “Zacky.” He moved his hand towards his body and rubbed his back. Johnny was keeping his heart strong, but he was doing horrible. Zacky released his face from the pillow and his teary eyes looked up at Johnny. His eyes were black, just as his pillow. He hadn’t cleaned his face after the concert and went straight to bed. His cheeks were hollow. “Please eat something. Go take a shower and take care of yourself.” Johnny sighed. “This won’t work, you won’t get him back if you go on like this.” Zacky’s emerald eyes were staring into the nothingness and he moved up so he could escape from his bad. He sauntered towards the kitchen, Johnny following him. Zacky opened the fridge to see what was there and he looked at Johnny who was holding an envelope. He saw Zacky looking at it and that reminded him. “Oh, yeah, this is for you.” He said. Zacky had forgotten about the food and he got to the letter immediately. He grabbed it out of Johnny’s hand and his heart skipped a beat when he saw it was mine again. If I could smile, I would. He carefully opened it and started reading.

_Dear Zachary,_

_I guess you did an amazing job at the concert a few days ago, I’m sure about that. I was there with you. Looking down upon you, and I’m proud of who you are. There is nothing I wouldn’t do, to have just one more chance, to look into your eyes and see you’re looking back._

_I hope you will get this song onto the next album Avenged Sevenfold is going to do. I hope there will even be another album, without me. I know Zacky, you’ll an amazing job by yourself. You can play guitar, just like me. You’ll have to practice, but you’ll make it._

_The next thing I want you to do, is to go out. I want you to get over me as fast as possible. So you can go on with your life and have fun._

_Please go to a club or bar and dance with some girls. I know you love girls too. Go on and do what you like to do. Fall in love again. Don’t think about me too much. This was my idea, I wanted this._

_Will you do that for me_

_Love,_

_Brian_

_PS. I love you._


	4. Chapter 4

Johnny Christ was looking at Zacky, who was in tears once again. Why did he cry? He shouldn’t do that, he should forget about me. Why wouldn’t he notice anyone else? Like a girl, or like a boy or just anyone who could make him happy again…

Maybe it wasn’t on his mind yet, maybe it was just too quick. Johnny tried comforting Zacky and he took the letter of him and he started reading it. Johnny quickly read the letter, maybe he already read it some time ago.

“This is Brian.” Johnny verified. Zacky nodded. “Again.” He sobbed. There were some things I wanted to scream to him. Zacky, you gotta let go of me. I won’t be there forever. “They all say that beauty must die.” He stated. “I say it just moves on.” Johnny didn’t know what to answer. This was something Zacky wouldn’t say every day. It came from the bottom of his heart.

A few days later after Zacky received my letter, he went down to town in the evening, together with his friends. They wanted to get Zacky back on track, so they went to a club, full of girls. Obviously Matt, Johnny and Jimmy enjoyed their selves, they loved girls, every curve of their bodies, their hair, their eyes. Everything. On the other hand, Zacky went sitting down in a corner not even looking at one of the girls. Trying to avoid every physical contact possible. Zacky had ordered a beer and was sipping it slowly, trying not to pay any attention to the guys, who were dance intimately with some semi-naked women. The man would usually call them harlots, but since he wasn’t in the mood at all, and was thinking about his lost love, he was just quiet. The black-haired woman who worked behind the bar had noticed he was quite sad. She whipped her long hair back and she tried to get a little attention. Zacky had drunk his beer and was about to order another one. The young woman gave him another beer and showed a smile. Zacky tried to smile back, but it didn’t really work. He grabbed his glass and sipped his beer. The woman didn’t pay any attention anymore, when she noticed he wasn’t interested at all. But I knew better.

He never showed attention when he was interested in someone. He tried to do his best for someone, but it never showed off. Flirting wasn’t one of his good sides, neither were his looks, but there were always people who thought he was attractive and deep inside his heart, he is just the most gorgeous guy ever born.

Perhaps there were more ways of showing someone you were interested in that specific person, but the woman didn’t try harder and she just went on with her job.

The hours had passed and Zacky was nearly drunk. He had been drinking too much, and he knew it, he just wanted to forget, he even thought of dying. He sighed and wondered where the guys would be. It was just passed midnight and the club was still open. He looked around and felt rather dizzy but he tried to stand up. He saw Jimmy making out with a smaller girl. It was just for him. He would do that. Zacky sighed, standing up and getting away from this place.

He sauntered outside. It was dark and a lot of people were smoking outside. Zacky wasn’t in the mood to smoke and he sauntered home. It was close. His feet felt funny and he was happy when he was at home. He didn’t think about anything, his mind was empty. When he opened his door he switched the light on. He looked around and a familiar smell curled up his nose. He breathed in and out. And he walked towards his bedroom. The man needed some sleep.

Sometimes I just liked haunting his dreams. I couldn’t control it to be honest, but I just walked into his dreams and appeared like nothing happened. I know Zacky would want to live in his dream world, but that’s not possible and I guess everyone just knows about that. If anyone is able to live in the dream world you created, a miracle must have happened. I didn’t believe in miracles. Dreams wouldn’t be true. They would never be true…

Perhaps happiness was the art of the subconscious illusion. Perhaps love was the art of the subconscious illusion. Though I was sure about the happiness part, if you’re happy you’re ripped apart and you’ll never find love again.

I wasn’t so certain about Zacky. He knows what he wants. If he wants something, he’ll fight for it. And that was the whole point. Zacky doesn’t want somebody else, Zacky has always been true to me. He can’t fall in love again, he’ll grow old without love campaigning him. Without a single touch, a single kiss, a single hug. He’ll never reproduce and get little children who look like Zacky. No he won’t.

It were sad thoughts that came to me, but what good was left. I guess nothing. Nothing really good, nothing that really meant something for him anymore. Maybe there was a way to communicate with him. I will work, I have my ideas…

Zacky looked adorable when he was asleep. He looked so delicate, like no one would think of him. His eyes were closed like nothing could touch him. Like nothing would ever happen to him. His black hair was shiny. The room was sinister, but you could see his dark shiny hair. The alarm clock next to his bed showed it was 5 am. The boys might be wondering where Zacky would be. Zacky didn’t say a thing about him going home, but they would know. I’m sure.


	5. Chapter 5

The black-haired tattooed man was asleep. He looked as delicate as possible, he was untouchable, at least he thought he was. I was there, I was just sitting down at the side of our –his soft bed. I would caress him to sleep, I would stroke his fluffy hair, I would touch his heart.

The sun had broken through when Zacky opened his bright green eyes and he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. He looked around and he saw his room, he smiled for a moment, but when he looked beside him his smile disappeared again. He realized there was no reason to smile and he moved his body up and he sauntered to the nearby bathroom. He closed the door behind him, although there was no one in the room, it was more of an automatism. He always closed the door. He walked towards the sink and he looked in the mirror opposing him. His eyes were swollen and he realized he walked alone on this planet, once again. His hands grabbed the sink and he looked down, trying to get his thoughts out. It didn’t work.

He looked around, detecting the shower, he glimpsed at the shampoo and grabbed it. He smirked at himself when he undressed in front of the mirror. He didn’t like the way he looked. He thought he looked just horrible. Zacky’s smirk changed into a disappointed face and he got rid of his boxer shorts. He gazed at the mirror, reflecting his body but quickly looked away. He didn’t want to see this. He walked towards the shower and turned it on.

Ice-cold streams of water appeared from the shower and Zacky got his toe under the water to see what temperature it was. It was still too cold and he just stared at the streams of water. And waited until they got warmer. Hot steam was crawling up his legs. He knew the water was hot enough now and he stepped underneath the steaming water. He breathed in the gas substance around him. The smell of eucalyptus had formed after he had gotten out his shower gel, with the smell of the of eucalyptus. He had poured some in his hands and he covered his body with the gel when it started foaming he washed it off. The foam mixed with the water and Zacky tried to relax and let his feelings flow away with the water.

He looked around, but he didn’t see something he wanted to see. He enjoyed the hot water and he felt like all his fears were gone. He just wanted to shampoo his hair when his water suddenly turned cold. He moaned and jumped out of the water. He sighed and closed the water. He opened it once again, feeling the water to see if it was warm enough. It wasn’t. It was still ice-cold. He moaned and closed the water off and stepped out of the shower. At least he was clean.

He looked at the window, which was damped and little droplets of water made their way down. Zacky smiled and he drew a smiley face on the mirror. It appeared to be a happy smiley face, so it was nothing bad, he must feel good now. With his wet hair and his eyes covered by his bang he walked into the bedroom and he took his phone. He called one of his ‘friends’ Jacoby. It wasn’t really a friend, he could repair materials no one could, he only called him when he needed him. So this time.

“Hey Jacoby.” Zacky spoke. He heard Jacoby speaking on the other end of the line: “Hey Zacky, it’s been a while huh? What can I do for you this time.” 

“My fucking shower died. Can you come over now?” Zacky sighed. Jacoby grinned on the other side. “Yeah sure. I’ll be right there.” He hung up. Zacky grinned and searched for some other clothes, he had been wearing these for over a few days now. He walked towards his closet and opened it to see if he had some other things. He found a Pantera shirt and a pair of trousers. That would do and he changed himself. Then he waited patiently for Jacoby to arrive at his place. He wondered his he still knew where he lived. Zacky moved in together with me some time ago. But he guessed that Jacoby would make it towards his place now.


	6. Chapter 6

Zacky took a seat on the soft couch and he waited for Jacoby to arrive at his place. He hummed a stupid song, and he knew that and he waited for the bell to ring. He thought a lot about the bell, but it just didn’t ring. He switched on the television and searched for a nice channel, but couldn’t find anything.

Zacky had just gotten into a channel when the bell rang. Zacky nearly jumped up, because he was so excited to seeing Jacoby again. To be honest, he even missed being around him. He might even have changed. He was this dude with some tattoos and his dark blonde hair. Yet, he was a rather attractive young man. Zacky knew he had started a band and sang in that bad. He liked that idea. Anyways, Zacky opened the door and he was surprised when he saw the appearance. It was Jacoby. And he had changed. His hair was spiked up and was black now, he had more tattoos now and he looked really, really cute. Zacky was silent now, he didn’t know what to say.

“Hey man, I’m sorry about Brian…” Jacoby started.

“Ah, well, life goes on. Come in.” Zacky said, still sad because of what happened with Brian. Jacoby stepped inside the house. “You look different, Coby.”

“Thanks, is that a good or a bad thing?” He laughed.

“Definitely a good thing.” Zacky smirked. There had always been a sexual tension between these two guys. For some reason they were just made for each other, yet they never noticed.

“So, where’s the shower?” Coby asked.

“Hmm, upstairs. You can follow me.” Zacky said and he walked upstairs. He felt eyes burning in his back, knowing that they were Coby’s.

“You have a nice ass, did you know?” Jacoby smirked.

“Eh, thanks…I guess.” Zacky said, feeling uncomfortable. When they reached upstairs Zacky walked to the bathroom and pointed at the shower.

“Here it is. Should I stay here?” Zacky asked, knowing that Jacoby would say yes.

“That would be lovely.” Jacoby said and he turned the shower on, he reached his hand out to feel the water, but he only felt the coldness. “Yeah, this thing is broken. Why don’t you go and stand underneath the shower and I’ll turn the knob, scream if it gets warm again, ok?” Zacky just nodded and Jacoby walked away. The man was left alone in the bathroom and so he stripped of his clothing and jumped underneath the shower. He was sure Jacoby was already turning the knob around, so he jumped under it, but screamed so loud ‘cause he didn’t expect it to be cold. It slowly turned warmer again and Jacoby ran back to the bathroom. He knocked on the door, expecting Zacky to be naked. Which was obvious.

“Can I come in?” Jacoby asked. “I won’t look.” He added. Although he wanted to. The man hesitated, but agreed.

“Sure, hop in.” He said when he was enjoying the warm water again. Jacoby walked in and looked at Zacky showering. He watched the streams of water touching Zacky’s gorgeous body. Coby bit on his under lip at the sight, which slightly aroused him. Zacky continued his shower, knowing that Coby was watching him, he smiled wickedly and he took some soap and squirted it over his body, which caused Jacoby to get hard easily.

“Oh Zacky.” Jacoby smirked and looked at him. “I want to touch you.” He felt his member growing in his boxer shorts. Zacky grinned naughtily at Jacoby and didn’t reply. Zacky liked teasing others. Boys, girls, men, women, whoever was there to tease, but Jacoby was an easy victim. “Zacky please.” He moaned. Zacky stroked his hair through his hair, looking at Jacoby. He felt himself drooling and really wanted to jump into the shower with Zacky, but of course, that wasn’t going to happen. “I guess, I’ll just g-go…” Jacoby knew his dreams weren’t gonna be reality, his dick said yes, but he said no. He had other things to go with. He had other people who could please his needs. His thoughts got too deep, so Jacoby turned around and opened the door, when all of the sudden Zacky spoke: “I want you to come in the shower with me.” Jacoby chuckled and turned around.

“If you want baby.” He stripped himself and he threw all the clothing on the floor. Jacoby tried not to stare at the black haired god standing only a few feet away from him. Zacky was slightly annoyed to see that his efforts to be as sexy as he could be didn't pay off, although Jacoby was about to step in the shower with him. Jacoby stepped forward and felt the hot steam curling up his legs. He was afraid this would go wrong, just like the last time…


	7. Chapter 7

This was not going as I had planned. I wanted Zacky to be happy, of course. But not with that bloody Jacoby. He was a bitch, he was such a bloody bitch. I didn’t want to see this, this was something my dead heart could not bear… Somehow Jacoby managed to still be in love with my Zacky, how can you be in love with someone who doesn’t like you? And then for so long? That’s impossible right?

A few years ago, when Zacky and I were together for just a few years I caught Jacoby and Zacky kissing in our bed. I was out with some friends, Zacky decided to stay home and there he probably had sex with Jacoby, but I never got it out his mouth. Never came to know. Maybe it wasn’t Zacky’s intention. I knew he loved me, maybe it was just Jacoby who did that. That sight wouldn’t leave in a thousand years, Zacky and Jacoby kissing. I just couldn’t forget that.

I returned home earlier, I missed Zacky too much. When he wasn’t in the living room, I expected him to be in our bedroom, sleeping or reading or playing guitar, but I didn’t expect what I saw then. He probably called fucking Jacoby because he was fucking horny. Why didn’t he call me?

It was probably the only problem I had with Zacky, I just couldn’t forget what he had done. But I had to, if I wanted to be with Zacky I had to believe what he said. He told me it was all Jacoby’s fault. He just called him to repair his bed light, and then Jacoby started talking dirty…

From that day on I hated Jacoby. I just didn’t want Jacoby to be there if I was in the house. It was fine with me if Jacoby was there, I trusted Zacky, and I knew Zacky wouldn’t do anything against his or my feelings.

I guess I just couldn’t see what was going on here. I didn’t expect Zacky to be with Jacoby now. I didn’t like it.

Zacky was looking at Jacoby climbing in the shower. Jacoby looked numb, thinking about what happened in the past. I guess the smack was too big that neither he could forget what happened. Zacky extended a hand, since Jacoby had gotten dizzy. He reached for Zacky’s hand, but stopped soon after that. “I-I can’t.” Zacky pulled his wet, watery hand back and water droplets were spilled on the cold tiles of the bathroom.

Zacky looked at Jacoby, who was hesitating, although he wanted to be with Zacky. It was what he always wanted, but he just couldn’t.

Jacoby stepped back and his bare foot ended in the water.

He lost his balance.

Before he knew his neck had hit the side of the toilet and he lay down, lifeless on the cold floor.

The only thing Zacky could do, was to gaze at the limp body. He didn’t know what to do. Blood gushed out of his veins.

Zacky gazed at Jacoby’s chest, which wasn’t moving anymore. What was he supposed to do? Zacky stepped out of the shower and looked again. He ran towards the bedroom and grabbed his phone. He called 9-1-1 and he waited for the phone to be answered.

Time passed slowly, before Zacky could imagine the ambulance workers were there already and they had reanimated Jacoby, but it didn’t work. It was too late. They had taken the pale white body with them to the hospital for clarification. But was that worth it?

Zacky is devastated. He was broken, this problems reminded him of a song; Bohemian Rhapsody. Indirectly, although it did. I just killed a man, he thought. He didn’t like the thought. He was still in his towel. He didn’t feel like dressing, he didn’t feel like living…

Anymore…


	8. Chapter 8

Days had passed after Jacoby died. Months had passed after I passed away. Zacky was broken, his heart was empty and he didn't do what he loved. His guitar was there in there in the corner and Zacky didn't even look at it anymore. It had been months since he last played. The last time would be on my funeral. He just didn't know how to grieve.   
Jacoby's funeral was two days ago, although Zacky didn't go. He didn't want to show himself. His parents must have been furious with him. He was too scared, but he couldn't help it. He didn't want to live anymore, there was no reason left for him to live.  
I didn't want him to die, he should be happy on earth, he should be there, he wasn't supposed to be in the afterlife yet. This wasn't his time.

Zacky was crying, his eyes were watery and his head was buried in his hands. He had been thinking about this thing for a month now. Especially after Jacoby died, he thought that Jacoby was the only living person left on earth who loved him…

He stood up and walked towards the bathroom. He hadn't been there for over 3 days, hadn't taken a shower after what had happened in the bathroom. He didn't care about it anymore. He looked at the dark tiles, he detected trails of blood, but he didn't pay too much attention to it. His eyes surveyed the scene; he found a razor blade with his eyes. That was just what he needed. He reached for the blade and grabbed it. Then he shook his head. This wasn't going to work and he walked away with the razor in his hands.

I had to watch, perhaps I could stop him. You'll never know what he was going to do.  
He looked around and he got down on the floor and sat down on his knees. He looked underneath the bed and found a box there. He grinned and he sat down on the bed again. It was silent in the house, he could only hear and feel his own heart beating in his chest. But that would be over soon enough.

Bang. Zacky head shot up and he moved his eyes in the direction of the closet. It must have been the box he didn't put in the right place yesterday. It was silent again, he didn't care, he had better things to do. Zacky got his attention back on the box, he sighed and opened it. Inside there was a revolver, a pad of paper, a pen and some bullets. Zacky reminded the day he got all this stuff. It was just a few days ago, just before Jacoby appeared in his life. He knew he wanted to do this, he just didn't know how long he would survive without me.

Zacky breathed in and out, fairly calm. He took the pad of paper and he started writing a note. His hands were shaking as she was holding the pen. He didn't know what he had to write, but she just tried to speak his heart.

I didn't like this. I knew what he was going to do, if I was still alive this would've never happened. I was there to save him. But I'm not there…

Zacky picked up the gun and he put some bullets in the six shooter. He trembled as he sat on the bed. He had the gun in his lap. Zacky lifted the gun and closed his eyes. This was a better solution than a razor blade, this would be over when he pulled the trigger. But did he dare to do it?

His heart was beating in his chest and he lifted the gun towards his head. It was useless to say that Zacky was scared to death.

Please Zacky. Suicide is a sin; you won't be in the same heaven as I am now. It won't work. You won't see me, we won't reunite. Please don't do it. Please someone help him.

Zacky's eyes were still closed, he listened to the birds outside, when he heard something from the closet again. His eyes shot open when he saw a man standing in front of him. The closet doors were open. He had been hiding in the closet the whole time. Did he see everything he did?

Thank God, a miracle happened.

Zacky was astonished when the man took his gun away looked up at the man. He knew him, he hadn't seen him a few weeks now. He didn't miss him actually. Although he had always loved him; as a friend. He was confused when he realized it was his tall friend, Jimmy. He was confused, what was he doing here. Now? Zacky didn't know what to say, his green eyes widened as Jimmy opened his mouth to say something.

"Zacky. Why…Why did you do this?" He asked. His crystal blue eyes were looking concerned. He sighed. "Zacky I have to talk with you…" He said. "Or I'll talk and you listen." He sighed and sat down next to him, still the gun in his hand. "Zacky, I've always loved you. Seeing you with Brian was the most horrible that could happen to me. All the guys thought I was just a straight guy. I had a girlfriend and wanted to be with her forever. But she wasn't my girlfriend. I paid her to pretend to be my girlfriend. I've always been in love with you. Since the day I met you." The man sighed again and looked at Zacky, who was shocked of the confession Jimmy had just made.  
"Please love me back." Jimmy looked into these beautiful eyes of Zacky. "It's all I ask of you."

Somehow I thought this was a miracle send my God, but on the other hand I knew this was true, and Jimmy could give everything to Zacky he needed.

"Don't worry about me-" Zacky mumbled. "I've always loved you." He leaned forward to kiss Jimmy.  
"Not worrying about you..." Jimmy smiled. "That's like telling water not to be wet, sweetie." He kissed Zacky once again.

Maybe someday, Zacky will realize it's better now. Maybe life wasn't that unlucky for Zacky…


End file.
